Anxiety. Thoughts in my head.

People would always tell me don’t call sicknesses and illnesses upon yourself. Don’t own your disease don’t say you have this or have that because you always will. I don’t mean to call anxiety upon myself but it’s there. 

I’m constantly worrying about what everyone is thinking. Whenever I go out to eat to a restaurant or go anywhere I am always looking around seeing if anyone is judging me. It even happens when I take my little one out to our families house or when people come over. 

A constant worry, a constant fear. I feel that if I let people hold my child for too long they’re gonna think I dont take care of him. If I don’t let them hold him I’m scared they’re going to think I don’t like them or I’m annoying. 

It’s difficult living with this and it makes me sad at times. I can never be comfortable and that is why at times I just need to leave the place I’m at and take my little one with me. It doesn’t just happen with my child  though, it happens with everything I do.

When I’m home I don’t feel the judgments of other people whether they’re there or not. I can be myself with my husband, with my baby. I can melt down if I want to and I know he won’t judge me. I try to be okay though for my son. I have to be strong but sometimes it’s difficult and I just have to let it out. 

It’s tiring having to put on a happy face with everyone. At times its genuine and I can by myself and the thoughts of, “are they judging me?” “Am I doing something wrong?” “What can I do to make them like me?” aren’t swirling around in my head. 

I know that these thoughts are just that, thoughts in my head and most of the time they aren’t true. Everyone tells me all the time to relax, that’s it’s okay but it’s not that easy. I can’t just turn off the thoughts in my head.

So, I’m sorry if sometimes I seem irritated. It’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because I’m anxious, I want to run away to my safe place as fast as I can. I’m sorry if I’m ever mean because of my anxiousness, it’s not who I want to be. Some days I’m okay with hiding it but other times I can’t and I get irritated at everything. 

Trust me, I feel so bad about it at the end of the day. I go over what I did that day and I feel so bad because I wasn’t able to keep it together. 

So the next time you see a friend or a family member with anxiety getting irritated or  anxious, please don’t judge them. Instead, offer kind words tell them it’s gonna be okay. Give them a hug if they’re okay with it. 

Hopefully, this has helped you to understand someone with anxiety a little bit better.

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